Food processor blades should not break while churning bananas and chia seeds.

I pride myself on owning only the best kitchen appliances, so when that blade on my Cuisinart food processor cracked under the gooey mass of my vegan energy bites, I lost my shit.

At first it didn’t seem real.

I kept pushing pulse. Or up arrow. Or whatever the button is that makes the thing go faster. It’s been 4 months. The fact that I cannot remember what the on button looks like is depressing.

It sounded like something cracking or shredding, but it couldn’t be.

No.

Not my Cuisinart!

This must be user error.

I kept pushing the button, unwilling to accept what I would later drink multiple vodkas over:
the blade had shattered into 4 pieces,
2 large pieces we fished out,
the 2 smallest of which were MIA in the mixture,
the plastic bowl was lacerated and scarred from the trauma.
But the vegan chia bites must be saved!
All those hemp seeds are expensive.
That was my last banana!

I assume either myself or my husband passed those metal shards without harm. We ate those energy bars r e a l l y  s l o w.

Mystery still unsolved.

Cuisinart keeps sending emails–albeit not often enough, because wtf, update?, when can I expect my replacement blade?!–apologizing, insisting that they’re working really hard to replace all 8 million blades manufactured since 1996, and they’ll email me once mine is on the way, maybe in 6 months, but please, in the meantime, enjoy this special limited edition interactive e-cookbook we made just for you!

NO!

NO, Cuisinart!

Bad, Cuisinart!

I can’t even use your bloody cookbook, seeing as it probably requires the use of the very machine I’m waiting for you to replace!

Jesus.

I’m trying to express my anger intelligently and rationally. But Jesus Fuck.

Peanut butter. hummus. pesto. riced cauliflower. peanut sauce. cashew cheese.

All of those staples are gone from my life. Using my BlendTec, no matter its horsepower, isn’t the same. Don’t even try.

But I do get it, really.

I’m a business owner and I understand the complications that come with product distribution and manufacture.

But hummus!

Under no circumstances whatsoever am I replacing that blade myself.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored post, however, this page contains affiliate links, which simply means that I earn a commission if you purchase through those links, but your price remains the same. Thank you for supporting Good Talk Ash!

2 thoughts on “The Cuisinart blade recall is ruining my Goddamned life

  1. It is killing me too! Customer service told me today maybe June is when my replacement blade will arrive. Cuisinart should send us all new machines. I have lost my patience.

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    1. Oh I completely agree on the new machines, at least for those of us whose machines got destroyed by the blade; that damn blade totally ruined my jar! I’m using this crappy thrift store food processor in the meantime, and it’s just not the same…my hummus sucks.

      Like

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