The best year of my life

I keep applying for “office lady” jobs at colleges. I’m drawn to titles like administrative assistant or clerk, financial aid advisor, scheduler, etc. I think that could be my jam. I type wicked fast and I take delight in busywork (fact). Is what I just said cover letter material? The biggest appeal is that there is no chance of being involved in any kind of sales. And I’m a big fan of education. More importantly, schools seem like the kind of place where job complacency could set in around the second or third month.

That’s exactly the kind of low-stress situation I’m looking for. I want an office job I can quickly master, and then coast, one day at a time until real life begins. Whatever that means for me. Recreational marijuana is legal in California now, and I am seriously considering getting back into it. I need a job that could potentially support the upkeep of such a time-sensitive and mind-consuming hobby. Office Lady is a great candidate.

I know for a fact that extreme recreational marijuana usage and peak productivity are not mutually exclusive. I spent the entirety of 2007 stoned. Literally, every single day. At the time, I felt like a real rebel, finally breaking free from my uptight, perfectionist, and ambitious mold. I’d just dropped out of the University of Utah, where I spent 2 semesters studying studio art and biochemistry. My high school boyfriend and I had finally broken up, so at 18 with one year of college under my belt, it suddenly occurred to me that I could do literally anything I want with my life. So, in my first attempt to “follow my passion,” I decided to become a professional underwater welder.

The drive from Salt Lake City to Santa Barbara took place in the middle of the night, after a massive going away party. It ended sometime between 1AM and 4AM. Those last few hours are erased from my memory. My friend Justin drove his loaded jeep, complete with my stoned and drunk self in the passenger seat, and then I suddenly woke up on a beach in California. I packed another bowl and greeted my new life.

It somehow hadn’t occurred to me to do my research before moving. The city college rejected me from the commercial scuba diving program because I took psychiatric medication that hadn’t been tested under presser. They told me I was a liability, which they found disappointing because if I could find another way, I’d be the only female in the program and they wanted diversity.

Too afraid to go off my cocktail of mood stabilizers and antidepressants just yet, I sulked out of that office and felt both demoralized and relieved. Could I really have been an underwater welder? Didn’t you need to be strong for that kind of thing? Or at least have a decent breath hold? I was an 18-year-old 5’5” female who weighed 115 pounds and couldn’t pick up her own luggage.

Time elapsed, and I eventually made my way to culinary school after my roommate suggested that all the time I spent indulging my munchies in the kitchen could be spent taking cooking classes at the city college. I enrolled less than an hour after her suggestion, but not before packing another bowl, and found myself in a lecture hall learning about the 5 mother sauces and the technical difference between a pot and a pan. Life was good.

I turned into a “loner stoner,” particular about the sativa/indica blend of my strain, and even more particular about the company I kept. I never smoked out my dealer or passed the pipe. Looking back, 2007 was actually the best year of my life, both personally and productively. Despite being completely stoned every single day, I held a full-time job making double the minimum wage, studied as a full-time student, and even had time to binge watch every standup comedy video available on the Internet. You could say I got a lot done that year and didn’t stress about not moving faster than the speed of time. It’s a shame today’s weed just makes me paranoid.

Yesterday I made a list and did everything on it, even sweeping the bathroom floor of kitty litter. I like to break tasks into as many steps as possible so that it feels like I’m accomplishing more than I actually am. But I’ll also put things like “walk” or “tea” on there as well. It’s good to build self-care into your day, even if your day is largely self-care by default.

This morning I woke up to a rejection letter from Whole Foods. I applied to be a buyer for their bulk foods section. The job looked remarkably simple and I thought my nutrition and business background might play a role in making me look better. Instead, they regretted to inform me that there was a large pool of highly qualified applicants. I haven’t been rejected for the “Cheese Specialist” job yet, but honestly, I’ll be pretty damn embarrassed if that’s what the last 10 years have been building up to. Although, I can’t think of a job more compatible with a marijuana hobby.

My roommate thinks I’d make an excellent librarian. The most appealing part of that job, besides working in an environment that is a regulated quiet zone, is that it would give me license to express my inner crazy cat lady to a new level. I envision myself wearing ribbed tights printed with cats, ugly but comfortable clogs, and a beaded croakie. Unfortunately for my wardrobe, Librarian is a career that requires a very specific degree and knowledge of outdated cataloging systems. So I look for Office Lady jobs instead. Or jobs with “cheese” in the title.

Geico is hiring entry-level insurance adjusters. They give preference to applicants with a 3.0 or higher college GPA. So I attached my official college transcript to that application. I’m also applying for any job that says “college degree preferred,” because that usually means they’re not too picky about what I studied. This is where I’m at in life right now. But like I said, I’m ok with this. 2007 was great, but 2018 could easily be the best year of my life too.

Tonight Tyler and I are going to Palo Alto to visit my 90-year-old grandma. We’re bringing a cheese platter, a few bottles of her favorite wine, and our board game collection. Grandma is always down for a little friendly competition, so we’ll see how well she fares in Risk or Settlers of Catan. I have a feeling Tyler will kick her ass. He’s a tactical genius.

Also on the list for today is to take dance lessons with Tyler. It’s item 19 on my Manifestation List (a list that frequently changes- shocker). There’s a dance studio in downtown Hayward that offers a free private lesson for your first time in, so what the heck. Might as well cross something off my list today. Plus, who knows, maybe they’re hiring office ladies.


Wife, yogi, and cat mama living in the SF Bay Area.

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